Blogtastic Adventure

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

2006-06-17T13:52:00.000-04:00

Nachoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nacho Libre is the movie that i have most recently seen. It was promoted as a film directed by the guy who did Napoleon Dynamite and one of the writers acted in and wrote School of Rock as far as I can discern. You can definetly feel the influences of both although I wouldnt say that it quite lived up to the expectations i think most people had after seeing Napoleon Dynamite. I would say it was at least as good or better than School of Rock and is certainly worth a visit to the cineplex if you're a fan of Jack Black, which I am. I should say that I enjoyed School of Rock and Napoleon Dynamite a great deal and enjoyed Nacho Libre as well. Some of the humor was too kiddy for my tastes, but I might have expected that from a PG rateing... Also out theatre had this feature that they thought we weould enjoy, IT WAS 300 DEGREES IN THE THEATRE! I assume this was to help the audence feel asthough they were sitting in the desert in mexico but it was un apreciated, if your theatre gives you the option i suggest you decline this this feature.

Brick School Confidential

2006-06-02T19:47:00.000-04:00

Oh man 2 posts in the same month?! un heard of!

I saw two movies recently both prety decent...

Art School Confidential:
Art School Confidential is a sort of romantic comedy that follows the freshman year of a talented student at an east coast art academy. The year of school is paralled by the investigation of a serial killer who chooses his victems in the area around the school. It does suffer from the usual problems of most romantic comedies, the first half seems more like a comedy and the last half a sort of struggle to find love. But the last half is much less dorky than most romantic comedies, I'm trying not to ruin anything but it's a pretty cool twist on the usual "i'm sad i didnt get the girl yet" half. Having gone to robotics school i can say that this movie acurately portrays what art school is kinda like.

Brick:
Brick was pretty darn sweet, i thought. If you ever red the Calvin and Hobbs cartoons that featured the Tracer Bullet it's kinda like that but more. It's a noir mystery about a highschool student that is looking for his friend and when he finds her dead he sets out to make sure the people responsible pay for their crimes. The serious and adult nature of most of the movie is frequently junxtapositioned against the fact that the characters are all high school students for a little comedic flavor. The characters speak quickly and use jargon alien to me but I was able to follow the movie pretty well, the people I went with didnt have the same to say however, listen carefuly if you go to see it. I'll probably buy this when it comes out.

Note: I'll also buy X-Men:3 when that comes out on dvd... I forgot to say that.

Da Vinci-Men: The Last Code!

2006-05-27T19:36:00.000-04:00

As you probably derived from my title i have recently seen "The Da Vinci Code" and "X-Men 3: Revenge of Y"

Da Vinci Code:
If you like M. Night Shyamaliamanamanananan movies you'll love this movie! It features Tom Hanks (star of movies such as "Big" and "The Money Pit") and his quest for the holy grail. I say that you will like this movie if you like M. Night Shailamanamajatabananaman movies because it is cleverly concieved and has a twist turn ending that YOU WILL NEVER SEE COMING! ahem.. That is of course, you wont see it comeing if you forget to watch the movie leading up to the ending. Like all M. Knight ShaBananaMan movies you will know the ending well before the middle of the movie but the director (in this case, Ron Howard) will pretend that you are an idiot and think that he is tricking you. I am not allowed to spoil events (some people said that I ruined the movie for them, trust me it was ruined well before i even saw it) but there is a cool albino monk who will pwn everything in his way. Also a good thing about the movie is that Ian McKellen was in it! You and I know him better as Magneto.

EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that I should mention that I havent read the book. I realize that a bunch of people probably know what the ending is going to be because they read the book but that wasnt the case for me.

Which brings me to the next part of this blog posting...

X-Men 3: Revenge of Y
Only one phrase can discribe this movie... "NO HOLDS BAR'D." Unlike some other action movies I've seen recently this movie did not fail to deliver. IF YOUR FAVORITE MUTANT FROM THE COMICS IS IN THIS MOVIE THERE IS A 78% CHANCE THEY WILL DIE OR WORSE! It was pretty sweet, every time someone was in peril I was actually worried that they might die! Also Vinnie Jones (you heard right Bullet Tooth Tony himself) is in this movie as Juggernaut. There is some background story that you can find here that will help you understand this complex and exciting character: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3934651591022114445 [Warning: Viewer Discression is Advised]. All and all it was a pretty sweet end(maybe) to a pretty sweet series, I hope they decide to make more. Watch carefully right before the credits and make sure to stick around after the credits for some interesting tidbits about where the series is heading if they decide to make more!

Mission not Likely to be Accomplished xvii

2006-05-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

I saw Mission Impossible 3 last night... I didn’t really like the first two and the third didn’t change my opinion of the series that much. The movie starts off with us witnessing the death of Ethan Hunt's wife dieing via gunshot wound to the head. Then we rewind to see the events leading up to this and they attempt to add some depth to Tom Cruiz's character, this would have been mildly refreshing because Ethan has been 1d since the first movie except that it's slow and all we find out is that tom crooz is the same guy he is in every movie he's in. But before any real action starts we come to the first best part of the movie... VING RHAMES! Although Hollywood would like you to think that tom curse is the mascot of this film it is actually VING RHAMES!, don’t be deceived by Hollywood’s lies... Now I want to say we're about 1/3 of the way through the movie and so far everyone is not wearing rubber masks of people they aren’t, don’t worry it's coming. There’s a scene where Tom tries to rescue this girl he trained and in a brief lapse of judgment on the writers part, we get more character development about tom crupps. Next we see the second best part of this film, the tech guy in the IMF labs is none other than the ultimate god of the zombie-holocaust/romantic-comedy genre, SHAUN OF THE DEAD! You heard right, there is now a movie with the combined power of VING RHAMES! and SHAUN OF THE DEAD! if only the bad guy in MI3 was a zombie... Anyway Morpheus gets mad at everyone and so tom decides that his team will go catch some guy. They track Capote to the Vatican and using a the third best part of the movie, SKINNY ASIAN CHICK WEARING NEXT TO NOTHING!, they capture him. He escapes 2 minutes later and promises to torture and murder tom's wife. You get to see VING RHAMES! and SHAUN OF THE DEAD! at least once each in the rest of the movie but SKINNY ASIAN CHICK WEARING NEXT TO NOTHING! doesn’t happen again so get your fill, in fact they start developing her character so now I'm pretty sure she's going to die, then sure enough she gets shot, but lives... start getting used to this sort of thing. Tom beats some people up and then steals some thing from the Chinese so he can give it to Capote. Capote, in turn, will not torture and kill tom's wife. Now we see the scene at the beginning again.. Tom is trying to get Capote to not kill his wife... he does any way.. or rather, it would have been way cooler if she had been killed by Capote but instead Capote kills one of his stooges who was much larger than tom's wife but was wearing one of those cure all masks that tom wore while being a tall skinny German in the second movie. Tom and his wife take turns murdering their way out of Shang-Hai and she seems not at all phased by the fact that she was almost killed because her husband (who she apparently doesn’t even know at all) is a secret agent. Everyone is alive at the end and we learn that good will always triumph and that only evil men die, stay in school and don’t do drugs.

Gripes: There's a scene where tom had a bomb in his head and he has 4 minutes to live... 15 minutes later I'm still pretty sure he's not going to die because they have failed to make me believe that anyone can die in this movie who isn’t evil. BUT STILL, the shot where the nurse wife of tom cruise tries to resurrect him takes 30 seconds going on 50 years. If tom cruise ever dies in one of his movies I'll eat my hat, and he's especially not dieing after Morpheus, VING RHAMES! and SKINNY ASIAN CHICK! don’t die.

This movie would have been way better if it had been called:

Ving Rhames, Shaun of the Dead and Some Skinny Asian Chick Wearing Next to Nothing Saves Chinese New Year: A Ving Rhames Story!

It would have been about Ving Rhames shooting things and kicking down doors with his two peppy sidekicks Shaun of the Dead and the Skinny Asian Chick wearing next to Nothing. Shaun would give Ving tactical advice on slaying undead while the Asian Chick would just stand in places where the wind was blowing just right. In any case there would be plenty of murdering going on and maybe a Lich and no one in the world would be left standing in the end especially not Tom Cruise who will have a cameo appearance as a retarded poodle.

Back from antarctica exclaimation point!

2006-04-04T22:21:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while I've been in Antarctica perfecting a new robot engine that gets super duper hot. A penguin got close to it and melted thus proving my theory that penguins are made of ice because that all they eat all day. While I was there I watched several new movies in Penguin stadium drive-in movie complex. The list of movies I saw included: Capote, Lord of War, Ultra Violet, Tarnation and V for Vendetta. In order from the movie I least enjoyed to the movie I most enjoyed the reviews follow:

Tarnation:
Did you ever want to know how much some gay guys life got fucked up by the combined stupidity of Texas and drug dealers? Me neither but the movie got a bunch of awards from that film festival that usually only gives awards good movies... Canes. The movie plays like a text book about this guy who is afu .. I got to what I pray was half way through the movie when i threw a beer bottle at the screen and pee'd on an usher.

Capote:
Did you ever want to know how some famous gay writer fucks up his own life? Apparently I did because I managed to sit through this one. So there's this guy and he writes pretty well.. I was impressed.. but he has a stupid voice that makes me want to throw beer bottles at things and pee on people. The writer is in the predicament where if his new friend who is in prison doesn’t die he cant be a super great revolutionary writer. So he keeps his awesome lawyers from getting his friend off of death row only after he had the lawyers fight all the way to the supreme court. The friend dies and Capote becomes a writing legend .. then cries all the time for letting his friend die and then kills himself and his career with alcohol.

Ultra Violet:
Ok.. I love Milla but seriously she needs acting lessons. On a related note, I don’t know who wrote the movie and I don’t like him or her, the dialogue sucked like super big time and the movie was kinda weird to follow. I guess they were all vampires .. like for real? Milla Jovovich's butt has a cameo early in the movie, that and cool technologies from the future were the redeeming values of this film.

Aeon Flux:
Any movie where they let Charlie Theron wear make-up these days is fine by me, plus I have a soft spot in my heart for just about any animation brought to us by MTV. The live action movie was based on the cartoon but I noticed that the creators name was not in the credits as any one important. This makes me wonder if he wanted the movie produced. In any case the movie kind of explains why Aeon and Goodchild seem to die so frequently in the cartoon but doesn’t seem to happen in the exact same world as the cartoon. I will count Aeon Flux live action movie as one of those guilty pleasures, a movie I would probably only buy for $7.99 but would make a point of watching if I could catch it on HBO every time.

Mulholand Drive:
I Love watching movies that shatter my brain and leave me picking up the pieces, seriously go watch it .. till the end, it's kinda long for those of you out there who have trouble sitting through slow moving movies.

V for Vendetta:
This is a movie i will own, collectors edition if I can. I loved the crap out of it.. I got goose bumps when the people of London united marching through the streets the SECOND time i watched it.. go see it.. even if you don’t like insane people taking it to the man with knives and poisons go see it for Natalie Portman’s hot new hair cut. B for Natalie Portman’s Hair-Cut is toped only by SinCity as far as recent movies go.

Underworld Evolution

2006-01-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

Now if you know anything about vampires you know that they secretly battle lycanthropes in the night while you and I are asleep in our beds or cardboard boxes. what you didnt know is that they never use swords or cool necromancy as much as you think.. they shoot eachother to death with guns. The movie is kinda bad but helps itself out of the hole but having lots of really cool stuff, for instance there's a super vampire that flies around and pwns things at his whim, and a totaly mean prison for an immortal werewolf and a little bit of gratuitous nudity, and if you know anything about vampires you know that despite having been dead for 1000+ years they manage to keep their figgure... exercise and a healthy diet I guess. The thing that urks me the most about these movies is that vampires and lycanthropes are killing eachother with guns and there's all kinds of science involved and I kinda get the impression that the vampires arent really undead. I'm kinda picky about my vampires and demons. If you want to see a bad ass vampire who is totaly awesome and has sex with Winona Rider check out Brham Stoker's Dracula... the one with Keanu in it. He's all drinking blood and pwning bitches and useing tons of sweet powers like making a storm happen and sleeping in his native soil and mind controling gypsies.. man he's cool. On top of all of these other great features Dracula is played by the prisoner of azkaban himself... Gary Oldman! Man.. vampires... man... I'm going to go eat a pound of raw meat to see if I get powers.

Saw Duce ****

2006-01-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

So.. I saw Saw Duce the other night. I did, however, only see one saw in the movie.. and it was a hack saw, the serf of saws. In that french movie High Tension you could have seen the king of saws in all its deadly glory. Saw Duce is probably the best comedy in the horror genre in 2005. All of the acting except for the screaming was terrible and the rushed character development in the begining almost made me cry the characters in the house were about as one dimentional as anything can be. The however was too interesting for the relative suckyness of the rest of the movie to get me down. There were definately parts that made me laugh to beat the band the best part when some guy proves he's willing to go the distance to live through the ordeal when he flay's the skin off the back of his neck to retrive a vital piece of information about himself and about the world. I give this movie four asterisks. Asterisks arent as good as stars but they're still pretty good.

Syriana

2006-01-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

I saw Syriana the other night and let me tell you.. I was confused. About half way through the movie a van full of Lybian nationals crashed through the wall of the theatre in a vw party bus. They started yelling about something in their crazy voodoo speak and fired an RPGrenade at the other wall and drove through it. I was almost ready to get settled in to watch the rest of the movie and the screen caught on fire...

If anyone has seen the other half of this movie please post what happens on my comments.

As for my review, the movie gets 4 half-stars. Because I only saw half the movie.

A sad day...

2006-01-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

So i guess a few weeks ago red beard met with his unfortunate end. He was tragically killed while pillaging an orphanage in columbus ohio buy some trigger happy nun.

The good news is that in his will he left responsibility of this blog to Mic the Powell Cop, who knows nothing of computers. Mic has since offered me the responsibility of telling the world of the wacky things that go on in central ohio.

So from now on expect movie reviews and tails from the adventures of me and my giant robot, Pharogon!

So you thought I was Blog!?

2005-08-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Many of my fans have sent me eMails enquiring if I was dead or some such nonsense! To all of you I reply: NAY you Scurvy Dogs! You thought I would go to Michigan and get murdered by some kind of law enforcment agent!?

Not Red Beard!

I do come back with stories! The first thing I did when I got to Michigan is Pillage Lansing as per my promise! I combined forces with Mic, the Powel Cop who was bored in Powell because he accidentaly tightened his Iron Grip on that small comunity too hard and now no one commits crimes! As I was saying, We sailed into East Lansing Harbor by way of the Pacific-Huron Tributary and imidiatly began the Pillaging! We stole over $369,157.72 in merchandise in the harbor alone! Eventually the Cops came and Mic tried to calm them down but was thwarted when I accidentally fed one of the Copper Badges to our ship mascot Sharky the Human Eating Shark! In any case, the harbor became a bloody battleground and even though we were winning we eventually had to flee! The Law gave quite a chase! Eventually we ended up in an abandoned Chemical Processing plant in some podunkt called Romulus! That is to say, after a few bottles of rum it looked from the road to be abandoned! Long story short the Law came and there was some shooting and then a huge chemical Explosion leading to a chain of smaller explosions! The Explosions helped us escape and we lay'd low for a week!

Currently no sign of super powers atributed to surviving a Chemical Explosion!

What would you do if I didnt put Blog in the title!?

2005-07-28T15:44:00.000-04:00

Many of you, my fans, have been sending me emails asking me questions about my fabulous lifestyle! Not because I wish to indulge you sniveling swabs but because I like talking about myself, I have decided to answer these questions!

Why do you put blog in the title of all of your posts?!

I find it Hilarious that the Web Log became the Blog because "Blog" is pirate slang for one of the more interesting things you witness on the high seas! It hurts less than it looks like it would! Well.. I guess it doesnt hurt me at all really.. use your imagination kids!

What's the deal with the Exclaimation marks after all your sentences?!

I am told by many a land-lovers that I speak loudly! I assume it is a result of all the cannons firing on my ship!

What's it like being a pirate, it seems like it would be boring!? Is it boring?!

No, quite often I get in gun or sword fights with total strangers and I generally steal all their really cool and expensive things! Other times I Shanghai things! When ever I'm not killing and stealing I'm drinking and meeting loose women! A tip for all you computer nerds out there, the loosest women I've ever encountered come from Columbus Ohio, USA! The city's tag line should be "Red State, Blue City.. Rrrowr!" Eh.. oh yeah and I'd say about 8.48% of the time when we bord a nice looking ship the millionare on bord offers us his hot trophy wife in exchange for his life! Which means we pretty much never do our own laundry and we have a fresh supply of cookies and pumpkin pie (which-ever's more seasonal)!

What kind of music do you listen to?!

Um.. Pirate music?! Heh.. not really only ninja's listen to pirate music..! I listen to Rock of almost any type metal, clasic, alternative, less emphasis on country! I also listen to techno buble-gum or industrial mostly! Southern Gothic, almost anything with a french female singer, I like Steriolab quite a bit!

Who are your arch enemies?!

Coast Guard and Ninjas...

Arent you also enemies with other authority figgures!?

The only cool copper-badge I've ever met was in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio (god I love that city)..! His name was Mic, and these two land-lovers with him called him Mic, The Powel Cop! The two with him thought they were ninjas but I guess they were alright! Mic, though, is this insane old man who loves murdering and womanizing almost as much as me! Where he comes from they look for that in a Copper-Badge I guess!

Well that's all I have patience for right now.. If you ask me more questions in the comments maybe I'll answer them! Or maybe I'll blog you in the face!

I'll Blog you from beyond the Grave!

2005-07-21T14:07:00.000-04:00

At least thirty times a week I get e-mails from my fans (you) asking me to divulge more information about my sorted affairs, For a little insite as to how I operate go here ( http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=14119395&postID=112172420485222826 ) and read the 11th one down. You wont be disapointed!

Set an open course for the Blog Sea!

2005-07-11T23:33:00.000-04:00

Yes these words are also from a song, but not from a silly band! These are the lyrics of Come Sail Away by Styx, every pirates favorite song! But this post will not be about songs, only about pirates! It would seem that i have shanghai'd the comments section of my last post and am going to use it as my new blog for a time undetermined! BWAHAHAHA! OH NOES!

Blog loss in a bathroom stall!

2005-07-07T15:06:00.000-04:00

So not too long ago my ship, the S.S. Piracy, docked in the bay of Columbus, Ohio, where my shipmates were allowed a week of shore leave! Some of them Shanghai'd a bus and went to see a musical preformance by a band named for a food I've only had in Shanghai. It was horrible they came back and and sang me nonsensical lyrical gymnastics, each more catchy than the last! I had them all swab the deck and then walk the plank! There are unfortuantely no sharks in the river we sailed up and the swabs managed to live through the experience... !!

I blogged in your drink!

2005-07-06T01:32:00.000-04:00

It would seem that dispite what it says here the typeface doesn't change! I feel like a nerd now, but not to worry I am making several people suffer as we speak! Perhaps you wonder about the title of this entry! Good! All is going according to plan! And now, with out further delay... End Transmition!

I blog you in the face!

2005-07-04T02:01:00.000-04:00

HA! I blog you in the face.. how does it feel!? Much to my dismay they refuse to allow me to use Garamond to post my blogs in! So I use Times! Times wishes it was Garamond, but it isn't and me and Garamond beat up Times when we see it on the play-ground! Man, enough about me... Prepare to witness my speach about Winston! Winston is a King and a happy one at that! He has four legs and soft hair! His favorite food is the souls of the tortured damned! How does your face feel now...!?